Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Thursday, Oct. 31, 2002 - 12:22 a.m.

Ah, gentle readers, I have missed you so...

School has been kickin' my ass.

That reminds me. Last night on the radio - this really lame and sophomoric show called Love Line that runs on KROQ in the Los Angeles area - I heard the guest hostess actually refer to her "tushy."

I gagged, my friends.

What kind of normal, well-adjusted, adult human being calls her ASS a tushy? I do not use the word "tush", let alone "tushy," and there is no way in hell I am ever gonna refer to the too-round-and-squishy part of the back of my body as such.

No, my friends, I have an ass. A butt. Sometimes a rear or rear-end, and sometimes a backside. I do NOT have a tushy. And I think if you are over the age of 3 and do - or know anyone who does - there is something very deeply wrong with you. You are obviously a woman (or man) far too involved with your little white fluffy poodle with the pink satin bow in its top-knot, whom you call Caesar or Mupsy. Or perhaps Mupsy is a cat named Mr. Fluffytail. Either way, there is something very, very disturbing about you, and I do not want to know you. Ever.

Bygones.

Oh, and by the way, Katie, you suck.
I was quite upset earlier this evening. I got my extra-credit assignment back, and my teacher had broken it. That's right, broken it. Three-plus hours of labor and $30 down the drain. Now, I am not in kindergarten, so I had no plans to keep the project, but shouldn't that be up to me to decide? I'm thinkin' a great big ol' resounding YES. I admit it, I got somewhat weepy. It was like being told "You suck. Your time and effort are not worth much, and certainly not worth my time, you big, dumb scholastic loser, so there. Have a big fat F." Yeah, that was fun. I didn't get an F, but I tell you guys, I really wished I hadn't done the project at all. I'd take an F over getting my project back broken. That was pretty raw. And on top of it, I skipped taking my little niece trick-or-treating for the first time because the semester is almost over and I needed to go for finals review. She was dressed as a princess, too, which isn't surprising, because she's only 2 and has blonde hair and big blue eyes and is incorrigibly cute in a way that her parents really shouldn't encourage, plus they live in a well-to-do neighborhood where all the little girls were dressed as princesses. My boyfriend said there weren't very many little boys there so that the ones that are are set when they hit dating age, but that's neither here nor there, really. I am trying really hard not to have one of those days even the Beatles can't cheer up, now. 'Tis a black day indeed, that even the Beatles can not make light. Oh, that reminds me!

Excellent Quote(s) of the Day:
"It is a terrible and limiting mistake to think that the things that happen to you are what makes up your life." -- Mimi Smartypants, modern-day diarist with a somewhat bizarre apparent fondness for penguins.

"Apparent" is one of those words I can never remember how to spell. Is it -ent or -ant? I am too lazy to look it up right now, so who cares?

But I digress. I like that thought. It's something we'd all do pretty well to remember, Mimi Smartypants' views on memoirists and the like notwithstanding. I think that was her, anyway, who doesn't like writers who have those moments of pure and perfect epiphany/realization. I read a lot tonight and I'm still shell-shocked over the destruction of my project. Sue me if I got it wrong.

Okay, see, I didn't. I read further, and it's all right there in the same post. Go read it yourself.

What the hell, Winona?
Now, I am not one to kick a person when she's down, and I really do feel pretty sorry for Winona Ryder for all the public humiliation she must be enduring these days. It's bad enough to be a normal person and get busted for something really stupid; I can't imagine the Nth degree of humiliation when everybody who goes to the movies knows who you are and what you got caught doing. But please. A) to claim you shoplifted because your director told you to, and b) that being the case, to commit a FELONY CRIME as a means of research??? You must be joking. Let's assume for one brief moment that said director actually did tell her to go steal something. Directors are congenitally clueless and will do anything to get a shot, so I can fully believe some dumbass Hollywood director told her to shoplift to research a role. But that being the case, if you are dumb enough to actually commit the crime, do you go to Target and lift a $12 t-shirt which you then go back and pay for, or maybe nip into Rite Aid for a fricking pack of gum, or do you go to Saks 5th Ave. and lift $5560 worth of merchandise and get busted for a felony crime??? He-LLO. At this point, I have to assume she's either the dumbest actress on the planet or makes a habit of this all the time. I've worked with some pretty fucking stupid actresses, so I hope she makes it a habit, because God knows one more actress that dumb will really tip the scales toward Armageddon completely irreversibly.

By the way, my favorite item(s) she stole? Hair accessories. I'm really just beside myself over that one.

Stupid Quote(s) of the Day:
"This bad boy will last a minimum of three years at 80 degrees, six months at 100 degrees. They will travel to the swampiest swamp, the highest mountain, the most arid desert." -- Jerry Darsch, Defense Department menu planner and "feeding program" director, on the two new sandwiches now available as MRE's - Meal Ready to Eat.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to eat a chicken sandwich that's been sitting out on the counter for two hours in my air conditioned house, let alone one that's been sitting on an army truck or in a backpack under the sun in a swamp or desert. But what really makes that quote for me is the "bad boy" at the top of it. What is it about pencil-pushing desk geeks that they think talking tough will make them sound like one of the guys in the field, gettin' shot at and eating bbq chicken sandwiches that have been sealed in foil-lined plastic pouches in 95 degree weather for the last 3 weeks? Surprisingly, some members of his department think more research is needed. That doesn't sway Darsch, though...

"I don't even want to tell you how long it took to develop the McNugget."

It's compressed bits of chicken, Jer. Parts is parts. It probably tastes a helluva lot better sitting under a heatlamp for 12 hours than an army sandwich that's been in a warehouse for 6 months in 100 degree heat, but then, what doesn't?

Least Original Costume Idea
To Julia Stiles: "If I'm lazy and I can't come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write Freudian on it."

It's only been done a million times, Jules. Including the movie DOA, in which Meg Ryan wears a slip with felt letters she cut-out and pinned on spelling the word "Freud" down the front. Admittedly, you were like 3 when that came out, but still, shouldn't a student at Coumbia University come up with something slightly more original?

And the award for the Most Horrifying Costume and Quote Goes To...
Kirstie Alley. It's got to be tough to top yourself when you win an Emmy and thank your husband for slipping you the big one every night, but I'm sure she gives it the old college try... "My daughter wants me to be Anna Nicole Smith, but I think it's a little close to home! I stumble around life looking for my poodle enough without dressing up like her."

Thank God she knows her limits.

BTW, is anyone else out there as horrified by the Anna Nicole Smith Show as I am? It's astounding to me that anyone can be as horrific as that barrow-like harridan. She is a proverbial vision of a train wreck, replete in spandex and classic make-up sparingly applied with a trowel, burping and mumbling her way thru every mind-numbing drug-induced show. It is truly the single most appalling spectacle I have ever seen. And yet, it has been picked up for a second season. Trailer Trash Mommas, rejoice. There is hope, little darlin. You too can grow up without the tiniest bit of book-learnin, marry a millionaire, and git yerself your own teevee show. What I really want to know is how much that lawyer guy makes an hour to sit on his ass and eat Anna's food and play her Playstation.

Eat a cookie, you freakin' twig.
And just in case you haven't had your fill yet of Victoria's Secret models, from that damn "What is Sexy?" ad campaign, CBS has decided to air a "Victoria's Secret fashion show" during November sweeps. They're even "toying with the idea" of a VS swimsuit special.

Oh, joy.

I am not a moose, by any means. I'm 5'7 and weigh between 134 and 140 pounds. (I haven't been on the scales since my last doctor's appointment 6 weeks ago, when I weighed 133.) But that's a far cry from the 118 pounds I weighed before I suddenly put on 20 pounds a few years ago, and farther still from the 112, Linda Hamilton T2 body I used to have. So it does not fill my heart with joy to have to share my living room with Jennifer Garner, let alone a bunch of snooty, anorexic, binge-and-purge cookie-eaters in swimsuits and lingerie, the likes of which I can no longer wedge my fat ass into no matter HOW many fucking sit-ups and lunges I do. I mean, it's depressing. And it fills me with an ire I never before understood when it was directed at me. But I want to take every waify, flat-stomached girl I see and kickbox her ass into the next century, then stuff her into a box so she will never again see the light of day, let alone pull air into her tiny little lungs so that her enormous fake bosom swells and her teeny little stomach shrinks still more.

But I am NOT bitter.

Bygones.

Peace out,
Katie

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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008