Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Saturday, Dec. 14, 2002 - 3:04 a.m.

So, I am apparently a diva goddess.

I did nothing to earn this distinction myself, understand. Well, I mean, what I did was just be my cool self, but what I mean to say is that I did not exhibit diva-like behaviour, thus earning myself the title of Diva Goddess. No, that honor was bestowed upon me by a very young diva herself. A 9 year old diva, to be exact.

See, my friend Runi moved to Florida this last summer, and has a little niece named Jordan who rapidly eclipsed all other divas-in-training to become a full-fledged diva around 7 or 8. She is very in the know about all things diva-ish. You know, as much as you can be at the age of 9. (bygones) She hangs with Runi fairly often, as Runi is the cool aunt, and she frequently wants to wear Runi's jewelry or borrow one of her purses, that sort of thing, and apparently, quite a bit of the stuff she asks to play with were gifts from me. Runi won't let her play with them, because we've been friends since 1985, and in addition to the fact I'm a pretty decent gift giver, there's a certain amount of sentimental attachment to the items I have given. So she tells Jordan, no, you can't, Katie gave me that. So Jordan thinks Katie is a magical creature who gives wondrous diva gifts like red velvet scarves and faux leopard club bags with frothy black feather trim, which as anyone knows, is a simply-must-have for any decent diva. Especially those of the 9 year old variety. She's also apparently very into runes, which are enjoying some sort of renaissance in Orlando, and when she found out I make those on occassion, that was pretty much it. I am now the bomb. Which completely cracks me up, since I am one of the squarest girls you will ever meet. But hey: to a little girl in Orlando, Florida, I am a Diva Goddess. So back off!

Hey Freak: Cut It Out
Whomever keeps googling that whole unhealthy Jennifer Garner thing, stop coming here. You are gross and freaking me out. She's way out of your league, you will never get to meet her, you will never get to know her, and she's not gonna let you enslave her ass, so find someone else to obsess over, will ya? Jeez.

Why are so many men such unhealthy fucking freaks? You are all lucky any woman deigns to take a chance and go out with you, given that your peers are all psychopathic whack jobs who fantasize about really bizarre shit while touching themselves. Seriously.

Bygones.

Good Oral Hygiene
First off, get your mind outta the gutter. I'm talking about dental care, people. Second, I must say that the Oral-B CrossAction is absolutely the most incredible toothbrush ever created. I 100% love and recommend this toothbrush.

However, on a side note, I am unhappy that the only soft brush I could find the other night was a blue one. I have been using green toothbrushes ever since I played Peppermint Patty in Snoopy many moons ago, and this is only the second time I have been forced to change to a different color. I don't NEED a green brush, understand; I *prefer* a green brush. It's just a little thing. I take something away from every show I do for any length of time, and I got green toothbrushes from Snoopy. (which, incidentally, was my favorite show and my favorite role ever) I want my green toothbrush. Stupid toothbrush people.

Bygones.

Katie's Grinch List for the 2002 Holiday Season AKA, The Return of Lola
There are just a few things bugging the hell out of me about the holiday season thus far. Here they are:

1. That damn blonde chick in the fricking red sweater in the trendy I-must-have-that-overpriced-striped-scarf Gap ad gracing us this season. Normally I also hate the Gap ad, but this one has only recently started to annoy me, so it has not yet made the list. However, that dumb freaking snit in the red sweater incites a visceral reaction in me that makes me want to step thru the television scream - er, screen (wow, talk about your freudian slips) - and kickbox her ass back to her audition, and then some. First off, could she be any more fake? Seriously. I know no one else in that commercial is singing either, but she is blatantly and obviously not singing, AND she's a terrible gesturer. What is up with that *ridiculous* crossing of the hands waaaaaaaaay out in front of her, as she swings her non-existent hips over in the opposite direction and tilts her head with that sappy, vapid smile as she very plainly lip synchs "join hands"? I swear to GOD, if that chick got near me today, I would punch her without even thinking about it. I'd have to tell the officer it was a completely involuntary twitch, and it would be. But it would feel good, people. Oh, would it feel *good*. The only person I want to slug as badly is item #2.

2. Leonardo diCaprio. Normally I hate Leonardo DiCaprio quite clearly and passionately. Normally, however, I am not forced several times a day to confront ads for two different LDC movies about to be or in release. He is a sullen, pouty, immature, sallow, pinched, no-talent little brat, and I really, really, really hate him. I hate him even more now that I am constantly barraged with him. Leo as "sexy", with long greasy hair and what I'm sure the filmmakers think is a rakish beard. Leo as "sexy" and felonious, as Frank-of-a-Million-Last-Names, fleeing from Tom Hanks and acting the hero, throwing all this money in the air, arms open wide, crying HA! That shot is just another What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Arty moment, and it makes me want to knock his scrawny ass down and stomp all over his sullen and pouty pointy little face. I am telling you people, if you turn on your news and hear how an unidentified but enraged female suddenly attacked LDC on the streets of LA, it was me, and worth every second of jail time.

3. The scruffy guy in the aforementioned Gap ad who thinks he's god's gift to women and is also a bad lip syncher. The one who was in that other gap ad where he danced around and then made some statement about being loose. In addition to one or two others, he's got a shot in the current ad where he's standing behind the red sweater priss, with his arms around her shoulders.

4. The ads for Gangs of New York that have a "patriotic" spin and are all "before America was a country, she had to win her freedom." Please. "America was born in the streets," my ass. The movie is set in the 1860's, well fucking after America won independence, during the Industrial Age. It makes no difference there's a lame tie-in to the Civil War draft riots. The film has nothing to do with any kind of patriotism; the distribution company is just capitalizing on post-September 11 patriotic fervor. It pisses me off. And while we're on the subject, Cameron Diaz and LDC in the same movie? Gag me with a frickin pitchfork. Neither one of them could act their way out of a paper bag if you stuffed them into a canon and shot their asses thru the opening.

Bygones.

You lost me at "hello".
Yyyeah... He's just a big ol' bundle of warmth, this Linkola guy. I pretty much think the world would be better off without humans, too. Difference is, I pretty much leave it up to the planet to get rid of us, which I think it will soon enough...if we don't nuke ourselves first, which is probably what will happen. Pentti should just chill. It'll take care of itself without his fascist little plan. These guys are somewhat more laid-back. Still, if I'm gonna take an out, it'll be because I'm miserable, not for the sake of "Gaia." I love the planet, but get a clue, dudes. Besides, they are remarkably naive. If humans weren't for the most part selfish arrogant pricks without a care for the planet (oh, we are too; get over it), it wouldn't be in such bad, polluted shape to begin with.

Bygones.

Why are all the loons from the northern half of the country? Oregon, Montana, the Dakotas... Maybe the cold and empty does something to ya, there. Though, the Canadians seem pretty sane... Oddly enough, all the spouse-poisoning, family-murdering, body-chopping, serial-killing freaks are from Florida and Texas. Must be the heat and humidity. Huh.

That's all for now. I have to get up early. I should be snoozing right now. I have no time for this frivolity, but you see, I missed you so, dear reader, that I simply had to drop by and say hello. And now, goodbye.

Peace out,
Katie

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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
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