Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Friday, Apr. 29, 2005 - 5:50 p.m.

How to Mail an Oil Lamp...or, you know, not
::sigh:: Ever tried to mail an oil lamp in the post-September 11 world?

It's a huge, whopping pain in the ass, my friends. Do not try it. See, I bought this oil lamp for my best friend's birthday. It's really pretty, all stained glass and brass fittings. Beautiful. Unfortunately, it came with oil already in it. I asked the lady at the store how to ship it, and she said well, they got it UPS, so I figured all right, no problem, and she wrapped it up in the original plastic packaging, found me a box, and I took it home...back in January. Now it's time to mail it, and neither USPS or UPS will take it. At all. So I start calling around, and finally FedEx says just find out the flashpoint of the oil. If it's greater than 141 degree F, you're good to go. So I call the store back and ask them. They have no idea and will have to check. I tell them, look on the MSDS that OSHA says you have to have to have this thing in your store; you should have gotten one from the company that shipped you that lamp. Then I wait an hour for the woman to call the store owner, who sold me the lamp, to ask her. She finally calls me back and says it's not a lamp, it's a candle.

Now, I am no fool, people. I know the difference in a lamp and a candle, and a big ol' jar of liquid oil that uses a wick to burn is a LAMP, not a frigging candle. Which I tried to explain to the lady, but she was incapable of grasping the concept and just kept repeating "but it's a candle, there's no way it will light until you stick a match to it; it isn't flammable."

People, if you can set it on fire, it's flammable.

If it gives off a vapor which will ignite above a certain temperature, it is most certainly not only flammable, but downright combustible. Unfortunately, this woman was not only incapable of grasping my dilemma, she also could not tell me the flashpoint of the thing...since according to her, it has no flashpoint. ::sigh:: So I call back Beth, the incredibly helpful and understanding FedEx person who figures OSHA would *love* to know about this shop, I tell her the scoop, and then have to ask her if I break the seal open on the thing and empty out the oil, then can I send it? Sure, she says; she hates for me to do that, but without a flashpoint to determine whether or not it's dangerous goods, there's really no other choice. Otherwise, she says, the FAA will most probably come a-knockin' at my door when they hear the fluid sloshing around in there or it springs a leak, none of which is likely to happen, but definitely lies within the realm of possibility, therefore, it is better to be safe than sorry. So now I have to figure out how to break open the seal on what is a perfectly beautiful stained glass oil lamp, find something to empty the oil into, and then figure out how to dispose of the damn stuff in a manner consistent with environmental responsibility and state law, all so I can mail a $25 birthday present.

Stupid September 11.

Pizza, Anyone?
I was supposed to work today, but since I feel really crappy, the office asked me to please not come in until Tuesday. This is at Vantage, the nice company I worked at before the hell of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It's a nice place, except for my supe's propensity for extreme mood swings. Like, when I brought her back a Mrs. Fields chocolate chip cookie from lunch because she was having a bad day last week, she snapped "I can't have that; I'm single," and turned away in a fairly violent fashion, leaving me standing there mumbling "um, okay." That, I could do without, but everything else is nice, including the pay. Then Sunday, I am working for JonnyC, doing the Women Tell All for The Bachelor. Dinner will be provided, on accounta it bein' on a Sunday and all...pizza.

That's right, peeps. In exchange for working on a Sunday, we are being offered free pizza. I kinda thought that when I left my 20's, the free pizza bribe would somehow fall behind me. Clearly, this supposition was utterly erroneous. There are actually 3 things certain in life: death, taxes, and the offer of free pizza in exchange for giving up one's free time in order to help with onerous tasks. I have the feeling that when I am in my 50's, someone will ask me to help them lug a refrigerator up 3 flights of stairs to their new apartment, and the enticement used will be free pizza. Not that I am unappreciative of the offer, because hey; free food is free food, and they could just leave me to buy my meal myself - it's nice that they do not. I am just left to wonder at the magnanimousness with which the offer of free pizza seems to be graced across all socio, generational, and economic spheres.

Then again, we used to get PF Chang's, and I'm sure the class action suit currently being brought against the company has a little something to do with the downgrade to pizza instead...

The Friday Finds: Zombie Survival Fu
So here we are at the Friday Finds. They're a different sort of lot this week, but I stumbled across this "op-ed piece" on How to Survive a Zombie Attack, and it was just too hilarious not to share; the debate that follows it just adds to the amusement factor.

That, in turn, led to Mel Brooks' son Max's book, The Zombie Survival Guide, and The Zombie Squad Headquarters, where you can find out more about attending zombie survival camp and post to the forum. I especially like their motto, "We Make Dead Things Deader." :) If you get a 404 for that page, wait a few and try it again. (and no, it's not a serious page) I give full marks to both Zombie Squad and the debaters over at Kuro5hin, for their imagination and resourcefulness. Frankly, if there's ever a time when zombies do try to take over the world, I have a few more ideas on how to deal with the situation, though according to the Zombie Scenario Survivor Test, I would be an official survivor, either thru my ferocity or quickness. (I guess I shoulda chosen the bus and not the dirt bike.) I scored a 62% and would make the right choice most of the time but probably screw up somewhere. Still, I would make it out alive, and that, my friends, is the important thing. :)

I also came across The Federal Vampire & Zombie Agency, which is not as much fun and kinda scares me a little, on accounta its extreme geek factor. (like the others aren't geeky, katie?)(shut up.)(bygones)

And that is all for me, this week. I am tempted to toss the pattern for Martha Stewart's stupid "Coming Home" poncho in here today, because only a zombie would be so obsessed with celebrity as to saturate a company's website with requests for a stupid knitted poncho - an item I think we can all agree went out of fashion decades ago - just because a celebrity wore it home from the federal pen, but that will just have to wait until next week.

Peace out,
Katie

1 comments so far

''Everyone knows that autoloader shotguns are better at crowd control than swords.''
-- CodeWright, kuro5shin zombie survival debater
(can't you just hear the eye roll?)

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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008