Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Monday, Mar. 07, 2005 - 11:45 p.m.

Sorry I have missed the Finds two weeks in a row now. It was not my intention. :(

Someone finally took pity on me today and explained how the new workplace works, and it is Deeply Dysfunctional.

Apparently, Lock & Key company culture is sink or swim. As in, we're not going to tell you anything. You have to figure it out yourself. It is up to you to figure out your place in the company and how to meet our needs. You have one month - perhaps - in which to do so. If during your probationary period - however long it may actually turn out to be - you ferret out enough information with a minimum of error and suck up to enough of the right people, you might demonstrate enough willingness to eat crap as to be termed a team player and welcomed into the company. This is, of course, entirely contingent on your ability to get through it all with a cheerful countenance and delightful* personality. Frowning is cause for dismissal, as it denotes inflexibility. All attempts to pin us down will fail miserably, make you feel like a dumbass, and probably count against you; questions are the sign of an inflexible mind and an unwillingness to remain open to the synergistic attitude we believe fuels our endeavors. Mistakes are open to debate as to your eptitude. Some allowance is made. We will not tell you how much. So go. Smile. Figure it out. We'll let you know at some point.

Yes. It really is that bad. Someone finally took pity on me today and clued me in. It is actually akin to being rowed out into the middle of the ocean at midnight, with an anvil chained around my neck, and tossed in. Only they're not bothering to tell me that not only do I have to figure out how to get out of the anvil and swim to shore within an unspecified period of time, I also have to find the treasure chest hidden somewhere in the murky depths, pick the lock and open it, choose the right piece of treasure, and return to shore with it in order to keep my job. I fucking HATE it. It is every single issue I had with my childhood and my father, except for the beating part. It has all the psychological crap, though, and I'm pretty much at the point where I'll milk their asses for all the money I can for as long as I can, and when they say goodbye, I will happily go get a job waiting tables so I can pursue my own life and business. I'm no longer going to drive myself insane trying to figure out what they want or how to meet their needs. Screw 'em. Pay me my money and have a nice day; homey don't play that. I have also pretty much had it with television; it is insanely messed up and filled with incredibly unhealthy, deeply fucked up people. :(

*the word "delightful" was actually used; I was actually told I need to be delightful and never, ever frown or even hint that I am confused or unhappy, as confusion and unhappiness are blood in the water - they mean you will not be around long enough to get to know or like, and therefore no one will help you out with hints or advice. Luckily, this person likes me enough to tell me who the right people are to suck up to, so that I don't waste my time on people in the same boat as myself.

There are so many Hollywood cliches I now fully get that I only partially understood before. Oh, and the supervisor? The one I was referring to as Stalin during my time away from the gulag? She is now known as Bruce. As in the shark from the movie Jaws...not its namesake, the rather likeable "Fish Are Friends" group leader from Finding Nemo. Since I spend so much of my day trying to avoid her bite, I figure it's appropriate. I have also figured out the company is divided into two parts: People Who Like Bruce and People Who Hate Slash Fear Bruce. Aka, Chum and Non-Chum. Guess which part I'm in? Luckily, so are most other people, though I am smart enough not to identify myself to either group, preferring instead to float beneath the radar, one lone little fish, just trying to get through in one piece.

Ain't I got fun?

Peace out,
Katie

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