Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Saturday, Mar. 08, 2003 - 10:22 p.m.

Okay, so I went down for the big wake thingie.

And it was much nicer than expected to see the extended family members, including those I haven't seen since I was a wee tyke and did not really remember except by name. There was a faux pas where I confused the children of one aunt (my cousins) with the children of another aunt not the one I was talking to, and really, there's no graceful way out of that other than to apologize profusely, but aside from that and the bumping of skulls that happens every single time I get near the one cousin I have shared enmity with since childhood, it was mostly without mishap or unpleasantness. Mostly. I also learned a lot about my dad watching him interact with his brothers. I had never before seen the men in the family without the women present, and how they relate (or not) to each other. It's a relief to know the entire Doyle clan is much the same. Makes my dad look far less loony. I also see where he gets his fairly mean sense of humour; that family is just freaking brutal to each other. It's sad, though, because I don't think it's good-natured ribbing, because they are constantly trying to one-up and outdo each other, and if they can't, then they break the backboard with a vicious slamdunk disguised as a joke. One of my uncles is really proud of his family, so he was telling me what all they've been up to and what they've accomplished, and the other brothers (including my dad) started making fun of him and putting him down. It got pretty mean enough times that I had to walk away. But riding to dinner and listening to my aunt and uncle deal with each other, I was full-on laughing. My aunt handles my uncle pretty well, and he is exactly like my dad, in that he is very bossy and anal. It made me realize how much of my inability to relax and give control to other people is totally a result of my upbringing. I'm going to try a lot harder not to micromanage.

And then I hurt my dad's feelings.

That really sucks. He felt I didn't spend enough time talking to him, but I don't know what to do about that, since I really couldn't snub everyone else. I understand though that he would want me to hang out mostly with him. And then apparently he thought I was going to snub him and not spend any time with him while he's here, because I had told him I wasn't sure how much time I have and how to juggle my schedule so that I have time to spend. I think maybe we got that squared away, though. I'm going to drive out again in a day or two. But you know, I have a freaking project due, and my teacher does not care whether I had a death in the family, or not. I can choose the grade or my dad, and I am not going to shoot an entire year's worth of pain and hard work down, callous as it sounds. I have not been killing myself and living on an absolutely miserable and miserly budget only to turn around and throw all that away. Not to mention the $4000 I had to borrow and am paying interest on for this little foray. I don't think it's reasonable to expect me to. I am damned sad that this happened to everyone, and it was amazingly sorrowful to be there and to hug my aunt and see the grief in people. It was really hard, and I felt for everyone there, and I even missed my uncle, long and slight as it's been. But I remembered a lot of stuff from my childhood, and most of it was fond, so yeah, it was a pretty big bummer for me, and a major sad for most of the people there, and I really felt for all of them, especially my dad, his siblings, and my aunt. Forget all the stiffness of the situation, it was just sad. But the drive home was suckass, because I felt really guilty about my dad, and that led to resentment, and then more guilt, and you know, I'm really tired of jumping thru hoops to make my parents happy, trying to win an approval and acceptance from them that will really never come. And I realized that I have spent my entire life trying to win that, if not from them, than from my boyfriend types, and if not there, then my bosses, and if not there, from every single person I have ever met, including, I am sure, you who read this diary. Right now, I'm sitting here thinking, jeez, could this be any less fun to read? No one's going to want to read me anymore. They're all going to think, man, what a whiny, depressing, bitchy loser. Scratch her ass off my reading list. It's sad, really, because I know everyone can't like me. So trying to win them all over just sucks the wad, big time. I don't really try, per se (as this entry and others like it demonstrate), but it's really painful to realize someone has negative things to think about me or just flat out does not like me.

Why is it so hard to feel good enough to walk thru the world? Why is it so hard to believe people like you? That they *can* like you. Why does it matter and hurt when they don't? Is it this hard for everyone? Do we all at some time or another feel like losers, the geekiest kid on the block or the loudmouth that gets on everyone's nerves, that person that everyone else makes fun of? I hope so, because it's sad, but it would be nice to know I'm not the only one.

Anyway...

I get Googles

Welcome, readers of the Sauce. I am not always this depressing. (sometimes I am worse)
(that was mostly a joke)
(mostly)

Scott Peterson is NOT innocent. Neither is Scoot, whoever googled that.

Russia is on the continent of Asia.

I do not want to know why someone was googling mutt lange and children.

Michael Jackson still rules the plastic surgery roost. But Shania is closing the gap between herself and Catwoman. Which Catwoman is it people want to know about, anyway, Julie Newmar or Eartha Kitt? There have been two, people. You really should narrow down that search.

Whomever googled "unattractive websites" cracks me up.

Laci Peterson sleuths: 6

Save Ferris.

Perverts: 6, including one looking for stuff on George W. Bush who really needs to learn to narrow down his search parameters.

Speaking of Rory and Dean, do you think they're going to get back together? I also happened to catch an episode I had previously missed, in which Rory and Lorelei egged Jess' car, and I have to say I really did not approve.

Nosy Katie Doyle googlers: 5. I am kinda wondering how the nosy Katie Guttenburg googler ended up here, but whatever.

I don't know why one would search friggin free lectures, but I love they included "friggin" in their search.

Wholesale flipflops? Whyyyyy?

Peace out,
Katie

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There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange
and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history.

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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008