Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Sunday, May. 14, 2006 - 9:23 p.m.

I feel hideously sad a lot of the time right now, and it sucks. I've been having anxiety attacks just about daily since March, too. Which I think had something initially to do with going to France for 6 months. They suspended themselves briefly when I decided just to go for 3, but then they started up again, and it sucks. I'm sure it has to do with all the stuff I have to get done before I go, packing everything I own into boxes for the move out when I get back, filing income taxes before I go, needing desperately to see a dentist (which I hate AND have no money for, so it comes out of my trip money), knowing I'm going to have to fly, worrying I won't have enough money while I'm there and about the logistics of getting money (especially now that the exchange rate took a dive and is making my trip 10-15% more expensive, which adds up when you're already spending $7-8,000), freaking out that none of my clothes are going to fit, because I weigh 45 pounds more than I used to and 10 pounds more than the last time I went, so I have 3 pairs of jeans to my name and none of my other pants fit at all anymore, etc.

Seriously, I am completely freaking out.

And then on top of it, there's the depression kicking my ass. I cry every day when I get out of work. I cry until I get about halfway home, and then I just sort of run out of tears and feel empty. So the hole in the middle of my chest starts sucking the rest of me into it, and it literally hurts and makes it hard to breathe.

I really need this trip to France. Which sounds so ludicrous, I have to apologize, because just the thought of saying "I really need this trip to France" sounds so pretentiously whiny, I really feel like a tool for saying it. I mean, there are people out there who really need to eat, and here I am, going "I really need to go live in Europe for 3 months, my life is so hard." If someone said that to me, I'd probably want to slap them. But the thing is, I do.

I need to go somewhere where no one I know will put pressure on me to be or act a certain way. I need to be where no one can make demands on my time, for energy I do not have to give. I need to be half a world away from an administration that gives me aneurisms every other day. I need to find myself again, to repair the damage the last 5.5 years have done, and learn to like myself again. I'm soulsick, people. I'm in a very dark, unhappy, angry place, and I have to find the way out of it again, and I can't do that if I have to deal with other people's baggage on top of my own. And the only place I know where I can do that is Paris. Because in addition to being literally half a world away from nearly everyone I know, it's a beautiful city, full of wondrous places and things to discover, and it makes my heart sing to be there. It fills me with wonder and joy and peace. I'm at a place in my life where I no longer have hope, and Paris makes me feel hopeful. It makes me feel like there are still things to do that I am more than capable of doing, that life and love and happiness have not passed me by; I am not just stuck here doing time, I am alive and living a life worth occupying. I need to learn again how to be self-sufficient and to be able to depend on myself for the things that make me happy. To be able to be alone without being so soul-crushingly lonely. I need to remember how to live in the moment and to find focus. And to know that I am not some obnoxious, geeky loser no one likes. That I am not the failure I feel like, or ugly, or stupid. And I need to find my direction again, having lost it and been wandering in circles the last 4 years.

So I know it sounds unbelievably moronic to whine that I need to go to Paris. But the thing is, I really, really do.

Peace out,
Katie

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