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Wednesday, Aug. 01, 2007 - 11:49 p.m.

Can't sleep. My doctor called today while I was at work and told TB that it wasn't urgent, but she's going out of town for a week and wanted to discuss the results of my pap with me. Now I don't know about you, but I've never gotten anything more than a post card telling me everything was fine when my pap smears have been normal. It's only the abnormal ones that earn you a different response. So I of course try to call her immediately, but it's 5:45pm, so she's gone for the day, and I have to try to catch her tomorrow before she leaves for a week. And all the while TB keeps insisting she just called to tell me it was all good and that nothing is wrong. Being a guy, he doesn't seem to grasp that the only thing they do for a pap is scrape your cells and test them for abnormality (ie. cancer), so if anything's not right, it's not like my red cell count is a little low or something innocuous like that. And he doesn't seem to get that they never call you when it's all good; they only call when there's something wrong. And they always tell you it's nothing to worry about, don't get excited.

In 21 years of paps, I've gotten a response other than the normal postcard exactly one other time. And they said the same thing then: don't worry, it's nothing unusual, just a few abnormal cells, come on in and we'll do another. And then they called and told me I had to go for a colposcopy. And that led to a discussion regarding levels of invasiveness and cone biopsies and how speed was of the essence. Roughly 1 month from the time I failed to get a postcard, there I was dressed in a sheet, counting backward from 100, my ears ringing like crazy, and then waking up with a supreme desire to hurl and 2/3 of my frigging cervix missing.

So yeah. I am not thrilled my doctor wants to talk to me. And no, I don't expect it to go well. I am, in fact, trying to prepare myself for the worst. Because in 21 years, the only other time I didn't get that damned postcard, the only time I had abnormal cells, it wasn't just a false read or nothing to worry about. It was the last stage before it metastasized and hit my bloodstream. Just a few months longer, they said, and they'd be discussing lifespans and chemo with me. So the not worrying? That isn't really going to happen.

With so little of my cervix left, if this is indeed more than a few rogue cells, I'm pretty much looking at the removal of the rest of it. Which means that while the ovaries may indeed work, I may as well be perimenopausal, because the baby thing ain't happening. As well, there's the very distinct chance that this time, I *will* be discussing chemo. It's been 3 years since my last pap. I just somehow never managed to fit it into my schedule, and yeah, I'd gotten pretty complacent, I admit. I'd had normal paps every 6 months for the last 15 years. I hate going in for that whole stirrup thing, and my doc didn't have the best bedside manner. When I talked to her about another issue I was having, she glossed it over and told me that was life, rather than addressing my concerns. So I wasn't really into the whole deal, and I just put it off and put it off and put it off, and then the next thing you know, it's been 3 years. Her office called outta the blue a few months ago to point out I hadn't been in in a while, so I scheduled an appointment I promptly forgot (although to be fair, they woke me up to schedule it, so I was half asleep when I made it, and you'd probably forget too, under those circumstances). Then the miscarriage thing happened, and I thought I oughtta see someone about getting some progestin cream and regulating things a bit, so that meant a pap, and here we are. I knew better, too. The last time I let 2 or 3 years go between paps is when I got the non-postcard response. Damn it.

I really shoulda listened more closely to the person who told me while I was in France to take care of that, and I think it was That33Girlie. Mighta been Reader or Metame or April, but I'm pretty sure it was T33G. Um, oops? I meant to. I really did. And partly, that encouragement was why I booked the appointment I forgot, and why after I forgot it, I kept thinking I needed to rebook it, once I remembered I'd forgotten and missed it. Again, damn it.

I wish I could sleep. I'm really tired. And it'll probably be fine. It's probably just a misread slide, and when I go in for the second one, the lab will come back all "it's normal." It's Unilab, afterall, and they sorta suck. They're kinda famous for sucking. So it was probably someone else's slide. I mean, they usually suck in the "missing the cancerous cells, false-negative" way, but hey, it could go the other way too, right? It could. It's not unheard of.

So why don't I believe that? :(

kd

copyright 2002 - 2005 Katie Doyle; all rights reserved
Don't even think it, punk.






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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008

 

 

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