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I've just been so hideously depressed, lately. Feel like I am never going to get ahead. My life has taken so many turns I never saw coming, gone directions I never thought it would go, and failed on so many levels. Sometimes the full import of all that I've done wrong piles on top of me until I feel like I can't breathe. All the crappy decisions, all the horrible choices, all the times I settled for less than I needed (forget wanted), because I thought it was all temporary, and this thing that wasn't what I wanted would tide me over or lead to what I did want, only none of them ever did, and looking back, I realize I never once went for what I wanted, but for what I thought I could live with. And you can't build a future - or a life - on what you can live with. You only end up starving your soul. And now it's too late for what I wanted, and I have to figure out something else, only there's nothing else I want. Everything left is what I can live with. And frankly, that makes for crappy choices. But I can't complain, because I did it to myself. So I'm turning in circles, trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself, short-changing myself and everyone else in my life, because I'm not who or what I want to be, so I'm not the best I can be, and I don't even have enough for myself, let alone the people in my life. And I can't breathe. I can't even get air into my lungs, because this fucking black hole in the center of my chest is sucking everything into it, including the oxygen I'm trying to take in, and it hurts. It actually frigging hurts. How the hell do I make it stop hurting? copyright 2002
- 2005 Katie Doyle; all rights reserved
In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
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