Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Saturday, Aug. 06, 2005 - 4:34 p.m.

If you guys want some good chuckles, to read the Yahoo user reviews for the Dukes of Hazzard. What I almost find more amusing than some of the gems people dropped in their ire, though, is that some people were actually surprised the movie bites it. I mean, any movie that depends on Johnny Knoxville to carry it... Seriously, did you see the previews??? Perhaps I had an edge, because I saw the video several weeks ago for Jessica Simpson's truly horrendous retread of the Nancy Sinatra classic, "These Boots Are Made For Walking." Whichever greedy bastard greenlighted that ought to be strung up and made to watch the video on neverending loop for at least 72 straight hours, a la A Clockwork Orange, because he truly perpetrated a crime against humanity and all of music with that decision. That video and Jessica's version of the song are so mindblowingly bad there was no way the movie could be any good, even if I could get past my disdain for the crappy redneck tv series it was based on. I had no real issues with J-Simp prior to seeing that video, having pretty much just written her off as a Britney-Hillary-Mandy clone hellbent on milking the "is this chicken or tuna?" faux-density for all it was worth. But I would now like to say the following to Miss Thang:

Girl, you did not need to lose any more weight to wear that bikini; please have a cookie. That should give you a good reason to put down the mascara and step away from the eyeliner, because honey, the only people who should ever have that much black around their eyes also wear big helmets and pads and spend Sundays crushing each other on the grid iron(football field, Jess; I'm talking about football players). I say this coz I love ya, Jess. I kinda like that goofy song you did for the Dawson's Creek soundtrack, about how he was with his crew and you were with yours too and boy you think that you're in love. It's cheesy, but I like it. So please, no more dieting so much that your hip bones could be used to slice bread; you are thin enough in your regular life, all model waify but with enough on you to look healthy. I say that as a formerly skinny girl who gets it. And sweetie, if you want to be taken seriously, stop goin' around in videos like a pole dancer in bad need of a length of steel. It's unseemly, Jess. You're lookin' pretty skanky, and I actually kinda like you. So go into the kitchen there and make yourself up a nice big ham, turkey and cheese sandwich on wheat. Or Wonderbread. Live dangerously, girl. But kick your inner ho to the curb, coz she can't sing anyway, and I'm afraid she's gonna get you into all kinds of trouble.

It's amusing as all get-out to me, too, that they spent so much money on the premier of the movie that's going to unseat Gigli (which itself unseated Glitter) as the worst movie of the decade. They had it at Grauman's Chinese, down on Hollywood Blvd, which, if you've never been there, is a totally awesome theatre and about the best slice of Hollywood history ever. If you're a movie buff at all, you gotta see Grauman's, if you're ever in town. It's the theatre with all the foot and handprints in cement, in case you don't realize it. (The inside is totally awesome and HUGE, too. I saw the re-release of Star Wars there, and it ROCKED.) They had a huge temporary "billboard" of the Dukes of Hazzard across the top front half of the building, and the whole thing, from the center aisle going up to the door and the entire west side of the building all the way to Orange (basically a large parking lot) all decked out in red carpet and haybales, with straw scattered everywhere. There were all kinds of spotlights (the really huge kind they can see in space) there, and the little walkway cordoned off for the Hollywood "elite" to stroll along for interviews and stuff. I always thought that went down in front of the theatre, but only the last part of it does; the rest of it is right there in a parking lot. There were also big temporary awning things set up here and there, mostly against the building. And if you've never been in theatre, all that stuff is always painted matte black. Basically so it blends in with the darkness backstage, or in this case, does not shoot back unsightly reflection into cameras and the like, and sort of blends into the building walls. I seem to remember the awnings were also black, but they might have been the same red color as the carpet. They were one or the other. Of course, the posts that lined the walkway where shiny chrome, and the ropes strung between them were the same red as the carpet. There was a LOT of hay and straw strewn around. I think they were trying to create a feeling of barnyard, but all it really gave the impression of was piled up haybales and a lot of straw scattered around a red-carpeted, black asphalt parking lot. The General Lee was there (the stupid car from the movie and maybe the series), and people were packed around it to take pictures, which was stressing out all the security guys who were supervising the unloading of the car from its shiny chrome flatbed trailer into the street (next to the curb). Later in the evening, I saw it waiting on a street corner a few blocks away, so I guess they had Johnny Knoxville and Seann Everett Williamm Tedd Scott (or whatever his name is) drive up to the theatre in it.

I was supposed to meet a group of people in front of the theatre, so this created some consternation for me, especially as the ubiquitous corps of clipboard-bearing Hollywood Nazis were there, barking at people to get off the sidewalk and out of the way. I realize most of you will never go to any kind of Hollywood shindig, so let me explain. Every single gathering of the Hollywood "elite" comes complete with a battallion (I'm not kidding) of event-planning, security-supervising people who almost all carry clipboards (most of which I think have nothing at all of any importance whatsoever on them) and march around in what they figure is a purposeful manner, barking orders. They bark at the poor lower echelon clipboard-bearing saps who work for them and at anyone attending the gala - or passing by on the sidewalk.* So there I was, trying to locate my friends in the madhouse of milling tourists; fans who were jockeying for position; shoving security people in black pants, white polos, earpieces and clipboards; scattered straw (it was also all over the sidewalk and strewn into the street a bit); the unloading of the General Lee and the guys taking photos of that while shoving passersby aside; and the "event staff" (that's what they're called, you see) that were setting up big honkin' chrome barriers in place to completely block off the sidewalk from the street and half of the sidewalk from the other half, and then at each end to keep us riffraff from walking between any of the barriers, and several of these nazis are barking at me and my fellow passersby to get out of the sidewalk, keep moving, don't stop, move right, etc. I looked at the kid next to me and remarked that the last time I'd checked, I did still live in America, and hence had a right to stop dead in the middle of a public sidewalk and stand there all night, if I so desired. He agreed with me, and then we were torn apart by the crowd, which was literally being shoved along by the clipboard-bearing event staff. They were in fact, being shoved *with* clipboards. Pretty soon, the event people had it all locked down pretty tight (but I can tell you that if you go along the wall next to the Swatch store, like you're going to go up the stairs into the mall area next to Grauman's, you can turn left and hide out by where the Starlines Tours meet (there's a kiosk there) and watch all the proceedings pretty much hassle-free, should you ever find yourself in that position. At any rate, there were TONS of people lined up across Hollywood Blvd, where everyone waited for the next 4 hours, about 5 or 6 deep on the sidewalk, until the event got underway and stars started to arrive. You could tell when a new person *did* arrive, because all the women in the crowd would scream and about a million flashbulbs would go off. It was a little nuts. I did not bother to hang out for any of this, because a) I had friends to hang with, and b) hello; Dukes of Hazzard. But a LOT of people did, and they were still there when we had to push thru the throng at the end of the evening to get to the parking garages on the other side of Orange, where our cars were. That was close to 8, and stars were still arriving for the event, which had begun at 7. I do not know when Seann Scott Williamm Everett, or whatever his name is arrived, but the General Lee was still sitting a few blocks away, so it's entirely possible he had not yet gotten there.

So now you know, more or less, what a movie premier is like.

*I once attended a New Year's Eve party at which I saw Gwyneth Paltrow held up on a sidewalk for ages while the trenchcoat-clad feminazi Gwyneth towered over perused her clipboard, looking for Gwyneth's name before she would allow her into the gate. As my date and I had passed been passed thru that same gate with a smile and a nod and not even a perfunctory glance at the clipboard, it was both amusing and a little surreal that the same woman was keeping Gwyneth standing uncertainly on the curb while her Fate hung on a piece of paper clipped to a board.

And speaking of excellent quotes (yes, we were; back up there, at the top of the page), this was my favorite from the Yahoo reviews:

"The ability to do something is NOT enough reason to do it. (see also WAR, Wine coolers, reality TV)"

Kudos to you, repubub.

Okay. I was going to post the Finds, but it's too hot. I have to go lie down with an ice pack on top of me so that the heat flashes I'm having will go away. I don't handle heat as well as I used to, since I spent those 5 weeks in Paris during the heat wave. Man, I miss air conditioning.

Peace out,
Katie

0 comments so far

*HUGS* TOTAL! give katiedoyle more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own

Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008