Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Thursday, Nov. 14, 2002 - 12:45 a.m.

I hate Craig Kilbourne. I really, really do. He is unbefuckinglievably annoying. Even if he is having Kermit the Frog on as a guest tonight, he is still the most annoying creature ever, next to Conan O'Brien. Is there some unwritten law that says Irish late-nite talkshow hosts must be irritating beyond anything else anywhere on the planet, except for maybe trashing the environment and selfish, stupid, irresponsible, lazy piece o' crap people with no ethics?

Wow. I really hate Craig Kilbourne.

I also really hate Penelope Cruz, Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, Calista Flockhart, Lara Flynn Boyle, Quentin Tarantino, and Luke Perry.

I once briefly waited tables at the world famous Canter's Deli, on Fairfax Avenue, in Hollywood. Leonardo DiCaprio eats there on Sunday mornings. I can tell you quite happily that all the waitstaff claims to hate him because he is rude and hateful and tips really crappy. So, not only has he no talent, he is also entirely lacking in manners. Note the use of the word "claims" so that I can not be sued; I am merely "repeating hearsay and supposition".

I love when actors are crappy and think you won't spread the word around. Luke Perry ate at a restaurant in Santa Fe a friend of mine works in, and my friend *claims* Luke stiffed his waiter on a $150 tab. Not only that, he walked the entire tab. The owner of the restaurant had to chase Luke and his girlfriend down a couple of blocks, until he caught up with them just outside a shop. The girlfriend went shopping and Luke made the restaurant owner stand out on the sidewalk and wait for her to come back and pay the tab. SANS TIP. He was a major jerk about it too, telling the owner he was Luke Perry and therefore didn't think he had to pay the tab. Brian Dennehy and Carol Burnett (among others) eat at that restaurant too, Luke. They PAY their tabs. You are a useless fucking no-talent LOSER.

I am happy to say my favorite tables waiting story was the time I waited on June Lockhart, who is a very beautiful, classy, generous human being and stupendously nice. I was doing a french accent that night, because, well, I was bored, and the management didn't care anyway, so what the heck. Anyway, this lady and gentleman were getting seated at my table, and I stepped up and introduced myself as they were in the process. She was this tiny, petite woman with HUGE blue/violet eyes. So, I'm towering over this tiny little slip of a woman, speaking in my french accent, which I do fairly well, having played a french girl in a play for two solid years, and she looks up at me and starts speaking french. I look down at her and go, "no, no, no, I don't speak french, I just do the accent." (in the accent, of course) She looks at me like I'm slightly unhinged, so I shrug and say "I am bored." She says - in a french accent - "I'm bored too, I weel speak french weeth you." So I say, "you know, you look like Zhune Lockhart," and she throws her hand up in the air like she's about to pontificate, and exclaims, "Zat's because I AM Zhune Lockhart!"

I am telling you people, I *died*. Right there. Totally forgot the accent and everything. It was the most hysterical thing that could have happened. And seriously, television does not do that woman justice. She's beautiful. And then there she is messing around with her waiter in an extraordinarily gleeful fashion. It was absolutely the best. I hope she lives a long, fantastically happy life. And as a sidenote, her daughter Anne is very nice, too.

I made Billy Crystal bust up once. That was pretty cool. :)

Hootie and the Blowhards
All right, people, let's talk about what's really been driving me nuts this week. The bruhaha over at the Augusta National Golf Club.

You know, as I said yesterday, I fully believe in there being places where men can go to avoid women, and vice versa. Frankly, I used to belong to a women only gym, and it was the best ever. I was thankful men were not allowed. I think it's importantant to have places where the sexes can segregate. So on the surface, I don't blame Hootie and the rest of his male chauvinist CEO members for not wanting to let women join their little He-Man Woman Haters Club. It's not like women are not allowed to play there, they just can't join. But then I look a little deeper, and I find it's really kind of unfair and a load of crap that those kind of bastions still exist, because their membership rosters read like a gigantic Who's Who in Corporate America, and if you think they aren't talking business and making deals the women never hear about in those dark and hallowed smoke-filled halls, you're high. So it gives the men in an already wholly male-dominated world an even bigger edge over the few women who ever actually make it to that tier. Like Corporate America isn't already a major boys' club already. And a lot of those companies claim to treat women as equals, blah blah blah, so what the hell are their execs doing joining clubs that make a point of discriminating against women? Would that fly if Augusta discriminated against African-Americans? (or blacks, or whatever pc term is going around these days; I mean no racism here) And it really pisses me off fucking William Johnson actually believes that while it's not okay to discriminate against black people, it IS okay to discriminate against women, and that it's not the same thing, or the civil rights people would be all involved. So, clearly, the chauvinistic asshole does not feel women *have* any civil rights. That alone makes me want to knock down his fragile, calcium-deprived ass and break a hip or two on him. Especially since his damn club claims not to have any restrictions based on gender; they just don't accept women into their ranks. How the hell does Hootie define "restrictions"?

At any rate, if you wanna read what the jerk has to say, you can read it here. And you can read a (partial?) list of members here.

Idiotboy Strikes Again
And while we're on the subject of segregation, how bout those idiots in the current administration who want to increase the number of single-sex schools in this country? Can you explain how in hell that is supposed to help girls learn to compete in the Real fucking World? I frankly freaking LOVE the general counsel to the Dept. of Education, who feels it's a good idea to experiment on kids by opening more single-sex schools, because gee, we won't know what the real and long term effects are until we have more girls to study and learn from. Fucking asshole. Do you think he'd be so gung-ho for "learning" if the subjects being shorted were boys? Historically, girls-only programs get less attention and public support - read money - than do those for boys and co-educational programs. Compare ANY university sports program for women with its male counterpart. Not to mention there's a reason Brown vs. the Board of Education went the way it did. Segregation - especially in schools - is inherently unfair and rife with preferential treatment. Sexual segregation also promotes a lack of understanding and increased sexual harrassment, not to mention men and women have enough difficulty relating to each other when they've had since kindergarten to learn how to do it. So gee, I have to LOVE that in this day and age, the fucking Bush administration thinks girls-only schools are a good idea and the number of them should be increased. But given Idiotboy's far right, uber-controlling, ultra-conservative, super-religious Bible-thumping views, it isn't surprising in the least.

So, how 'bout some...

Stupid Quote(s) of the Day:
"We have nothing against women. I love them all. I've got some myself. But we're a private club, and I'm all for it staying that way." --Augusta National Golf Club member Boone Knox, Allied Bank of Georgia exec.

The string of expletives and curses that spring to mind upon reading this asinine comment is such that it makes ME blush and can not be printed here. But I'm thinkin' it, boy. I'm thinkin' it. Ignorant smarmy redneck tiny penis cheating philandering Deliverance banjo-playing limpdick goathumping oedipal porn-movie-loving mysoginistic maladjusted bubba asshole. And don't call me honey either, you schmuck. Do I look stupid enough to date you? I don't think so.

"Change begets change begets change, and the closer we get to buildout the more critical it is that we plan things to enhance the values that the commission was created to protect. We have values about what the values are." --From a campaign statement by Linda Sibley, running for re-election to the Martha's Vineyard Commission.

Wow, you guys. Values about the values! Why didn't Gore think of that? No wonder she won, though. That sounds like the same kind of circuitous rambling George Jr. demonstrates. It sounds much brighter than it actually is.

"...What we have before us now is vague enough that you could have corporate membership, and . . . my hypothetical golf fanatic from Tokyo could have a membership and could fly in, and I've got to say that a lot of people are very disturbed by that." --Linda Sibley, Martha's Vineyard Commission member on membership for the proposed Kupersmith golf course.

God save us from Japanese golfers. They don't even have the good sense to wear plaid like any self-respecting American golfer would. Let alone Burberry.

Alas, poor Ms. Sibley is much maligned this week. It seems she also referred to "little men from Tokyo" earlier in the week. I wish I could find a direct quote, but if you don't get to it when the MV Times first posts it, it goes away, and the opportunity is gone. Good ol' Linda was exceedingly fixated on Japanese golfers.

"Presumably we want the benefits to accrue to the Island, and not to the mythical golf player from Japan." --Linda Sibley on weighing "the benefits and detriments" to having a new golf course on the Vineyard.

She just made my stupid list all over the place this week, because she also had this to say when Mr. Lafferty refused to make the Kupersmith golf club exclusive:

"Pardon me, but Augusta National has a rule that they don't admit women, and I believe as a private club you can make rules that require that your members have to be Martha's Vineyard residents."

I understand a lot of golf clubs have memberships exclusive to the community they're located in, but any freaking woman who cites Augusta as a model needs to be shot and shot down.

"If doomsday comes and you can't sell memberships, the golf course would still be built." --Brian Lafferty, manager of the proposed Kupersmith golf course.

So, as long as we're being rational...

Still, Bri got the upper hand on Sibley that day. He was quite pithy and logical. Sadly, none of the quotes are really byte-sized, so he's gonna have to be pithy another day. You can read the story here, though, if you like.

By the way, if you type or say "Sibley" enough times, it ceases to make any sense whatsoever.

Excellent Quote(s) of the Day
"The only way you could get me to approve taking 40 acres out of conservation is to pry it from my cold, dead hands. This commission is a runaway train." --Chappaquiddick resident Ronald Monterosso, candidate for the Martha's Vineyard Commission.

Mr. Monterosso went on to say, "I find three concepts lacking in the Martha's Vineyard Commission; respect for the land, respect for the law and respect for the will of the people."

You go, Mr. Monterosso. :)

By the way...
You know what's hysterical? Massachusetts actually has an "anti-snob zoning" law. What kind of state actually needs an "anti-snob zoning" law? Wow.

Okay, peeps. I started this like 4.5 hours ago and then took time to do laundry and watch a movie and hug the boyfriend and all that. So it is WAY time for bed, and I am going there.

Peace out,
Katie

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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008