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Monday, Jul. 24, 2006 - 4:21 a.m.

Okay, I just uttered the phrase, "Dude, you're slow as molasses, Hooker!" ::sigh:: Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I have gotten totally addicted to TJ Hooker. In badly dubbed French. It's much more enjoyable that way. As in, utterly hysterical. First, they actually got a guy to do Shatner's voice who actually sounds a good deal like him. Except, you know, french. And an actual actor. I mean, the french Shatner does not have that weird phrasing Shatner used to have; he speaks like a normal person. Only moreso, because of course William Shatner has to do everything bigger than life, with tons of scenery chewing, so that french voiceover guy has to match his voice to Shatner's cartoony expressions. You have not lived until you've seen William Shatner exclaim "El Papagayo ROJO???!!!" in french. Swear to god, I laughed hard.

It's the episode where Hooker goes undercover to get close to the bad guys, but they figure out he's a cop, so then he has to make a getaway just in the nick of time to chase the one bad guy who has slipped away and is threatening the woman who has come to Hooker for help, so he arrives just in time to save her from the bad guy, who has taken her hostage. Only the bad guy gets away, so Hooker has to chase him, and then the guy runs out of bullets, so Hooker stalks him down Terminator-style, and then the guy trips, and Hooker tells him where he went wrong in his life of crime, and then the rest of the cops arrive to take the guy into custody, and at the end, Hooker and Adrian Zmed return the woman to her home and everyone smilles goodbye and is happy. I'm sure you know the one I'm talking about.

And now I'm watching Heather Locklear do aerobics in her apartment, dressed in tights and striped legwarmers and her Olivia Newton-John headband. Bobby Darin comes in and sits at her bar, and then Adrian Zmed comes in and collapses on the couch like he's hungover, and everyone teases him about it before Heather goes into the other room to put on her highwaisted jeans and Nike sneakers. She leaves the headband on, though, because if there was ever an 80s fashion statement that was all-purpose, it was the headband.

They usually run two episodes of American tv back to back here, so I get double the TJ Hooker fun to feed my addiction. And now some guys in opaque plastic hockey masks a la Michael Meyers are robbing a grocery store and blowing the safe, and Hooker has bailed out of the car that Adrian Zmed is driving to infiltrate the grocery store and stop the badguys, some of whom (who sneaked out of the store the backway) have just driven a van over the other police car arriving on scene, and now Hooker has just had a shootout in the grocery store with one of the badguys and shot him. Meanwhile, the badguys in the van have escaped and ripped off their hockey masks as they sneak thru the parking lot with Adrian Zmed in hot pursuit. They part ways, and the older one of the 2 draws down on Adrian Zmed, who has stopped to investigage what his clearly the getaway car, a copper-colored Camaro. The two cops from the police car that got driven over draw on the bad guy, but he is desperate to get to his Camaro, so despite being in their crosshairs, he totally shoots Adrian Zmed, and then, while Adrian is flying backward across the hood of what looks like his squad car in dramatic slow motion, the guy turns around and shoots the guy cop, then jumps in his car and drives off without the chick cop firing a shot. Hooker heard the shots and has rushed out of the store to help. Adrian sits up, and even though we thought he got shot in the shoulder, it turns out he just got creased in the forehead, which would look really nasty, if it looked a little less like Rit dye made into a paste and smeared on his face. Everyone goes to the hospital, and somehow Hooker is the only one with a bandage on, on his hand. Oh, I take it back. Adrian has a bandaid - yes, literally a bandaid, on his forehead, over his right temple. Because despite being the young rookie, he's manly enough that he can take a bullet to the face and need nothing more than a bandaid. This is all too much for Heather, who goes into the ladies' locker room to comfort the chick cop who froze and didn't fire her weapon back in the parking lot, thus allowing her partner to get shot and the bad guy to get away. She's so overcome by guilt, she's leaving the force, despite Heather's comforting words. Adrian goes to the hospital to see her partner, who got shot in the shoulder and has this GIGANTIC, nasty bruise on his shoulder and this huge mass of bandages wrapped over his shoulder and around his upper chest. But you know, Adrian, he has his bandaid. And no bruising, because he's the young hot guy, and young hot guys can not have facial bruising, seeing as it totally cuts down on their young hotness. Hooker arrives and makes some speech, I'm sure along the lines of I'll get the bad guys, don't worry, and then leaves. He has a big talk outside the elevator in the hospital with the DA, who is unimpressed with anyone's behaviour and will be bringing charges. Or something. Hooker stares after him with a worried, furrowed brow and there's a dramatic musical sting. This obviously isn't good, so Hooker meets the chick cop in a bar and listens to her spill her guts about choking in the parking lot. That's a helluva boufant wig the chick cop is wearing, but it would be more convincing if it actually moved with her when she shook her head. The next morning, back at the police station, Bobby and Heather meet Hooker in the hall to tell him what they've learned about the bad guy who shot Adrian and the other guy. Two cops come in as Hooker is leaving the station, and there's a terse exchange of "how are you" and "fine" that leaves Hooker frozen and casting a backward glance of 'what the hell' which is returned with pissy glares by the other two cops. Hooker heads out to the range, where Adrian is working out some of his angsty angst with a shotgun and a target that has a bad guy with a gun painted on it. Adrian throws a hissy fit about choking and getting shot, and Hooker lectures him on not letting this stuff get to him and leaves, but it obviously didn't sink into Adrian, who fires once more and then tosses his gun down and sits on the table next to it to sulk. Hooker casts a concerned glance back at him and then goes back inside. Meanwhile, the bad guy who got away meets up in a warehouse with anther bad guy for fake ID and some detonator cord. Seems he was the guy who blew the safe back at the store, which we couldn't tell before, on accounta the hockey mask and all. Hooker and Adrian meet up with Heather and Bobby at Pinks (or some other hot dog stand) and trade information briefly. No one holds a hot dog like William Shatner, man. Seriously, that guy knows how to work a prop.

Next scene, we find ourselves at some sort of mining operation, where Hooker and Adrian talk to the explosives guy there and then leave. Adrian doesn't seem to buy it, and the explosives guy looks concerned. Hooker meets Bobby in the locker room after work and chats with him while he holds this huge stack of law books. He leaves and Bobby looks concerned. There's a lot of concern in this episode of Hooker. You can tell because people are frowny. Meanwhile, the chick cop who froze is at home and the two cops who passed Hooker earlier and another guy sneak into her yard. They toss an open bucket of yellow paint thru her windows and start making bok-bok sounds and calling her chicken. She gets her shotgun out of the closet and throws open her door, only to choke again at the sight of the dead chicken hanging from the porch ceiling in front of her door. Hooker arrives and the guys run off - who's the chicken now, bitches - and the chick cop exclaims "Hookair!" and collapses into his arms in relief. The next morning finds us at a hearing for the chick cop. Hooker speaks briefly with the DA guy from the elevator, and then 3 judge guys arrive and everyone sits down. Since this is a police hearing, which you can tell by the police uniforms the 3 judges are wearing, I don't know why we need the DA, but whatever. Hooker and the chick cop rise and listen to the head tribunal guy talk. Hooker listens calmly while the chick cop gets all angsty and worried. She has a chance to speak and passes on it, leaving her partner in the backrow all frowny. So he must concerned. We enter the testimony part of the hearing, and the partner explains what happened using a big drawing of the parking lot. He says something that causes the chick cop to go all frowny and shocked, and then continues speaking. He finishes and Hooker reassures the chick. Hooker approaches the bench with the DA and they discuss the case. They go back to their respective tables. Back at the police station, guys go jogging by rapid-fire chanting "droite-gauche-droite-gauche-droite-gauche," which is actually pretty damn funny. (it means right, left, right, left) Hooker and the gang discuss the bad guys at the squad car and look at mugshots. Heather comforts Adrian, who is all sulky, and he then trades a long, lingering, angsty look with Hooker before they both get in the car and drive away. Two of the bad guys from the robbery meet up in another grocery store to plan their next score. I hadn't realized grocery stores were such lucrative targets, but there you have it. They part ways with the older bad guy who shot Adrian taking an apple and biting into it as he walks away. So obviously he is a bad guy, because what kind of decent human being bites into an apple he hasn't even paid for yet?

Hooker and the gang meet up at the police station and exchange words outside of the roach coach Hooker and Adrian were just examining a part of. He and Adrian get in their car and Adrian says something all puppy dog hopeful about what just went down, while Hooker gives him a long look of "don't get your hopes up, kid." The gang meets up at the warehouse where the bad guy got his fake ID and detonator cord earlier, and the K9 finds detonator cord hidden in a video game machine. Hooker grabs the guy by the shirt collar and brandishes the cord at him, and the guy folds like a poker player with nothing but a pair of deuces. Hooker and Adrian drive to the bad guy's house, where he and his partner peel out ahead of them in the copper Camaro - the one from the parking lot earlier. A chase ensues, and the Camaro gets driven thru the front window of a flower shop, where Adrian and Hooker collar the bad guys and Hooker finds a big, black revolver on the bad guy who shot Adrian. He looks at it long and hard, workin' the prop so we know it's important evidence. Too bad he's holding it in his hand and getting his fingerprints all over it. Cut to the tribunal, and the gun lying on the table in front of the chick cop, tagged as evidence. Hooker and the DA exchange words with the judge guys and the chick cop looks worried. The DA questions Adrian and then sits down. It's Hooker's turn, and those law books have obviously paid off, because he questions Adrian like a pro. Adrian has an epiphany on the stand and Hooker presses it, dazzling everyone involved. Adrian has a flashback and remembers the male cop was hiding behind a truck in the parking lot, not really acting all properly coplike. Hooker makes his point and dismisses Adrian. He calls a ballistics expert who is played by the Asian guy who was the little scientist in Blade Runner who made the eyes that Rutger Hauer's character had and that Rutger killed. The little guy blows the case wide open and intimates that it's the guy cop's own fault he got shot, and frankly, I have to agree. He had the whole time the guy was shooting Adrian and then pivoting slow as molasses that he could have shot the bad guy. Hooker calls the guy cop to the stand and the guy is noticeably flustered. Not so tough without your big parking lot diagram, are ya? An older man walks in and sits down behind Adrian, and the guy gets all flustered and upset. Hooker's like a shark with blood in the water. He presses his attack, placing both hands on the arms of the guy's chair and making him cry like a girl as he examines his lack of manhood and failure to defend himself and a fellow cop. Hooker then goes in for the kill, leaning over the guy, who sinks in his chair and cries harder. Hooker comforts him with his hand on the guy's shoulder, and the guy goes down, collapsing into Hooker's arms and sobbing. Hooker says something comforting, and we fade to black.

Ah, happy resolution time. Hooker and the gang hang out in the station watering hole, sharing drinks and toasting with champagne. The chick cop is there too, and we clink drinks and freeze for credits, everybody all happy smiles. Next week on TJ Hooker, Hooker brings down the bad guys and saves the day and the girl. That episode wasn't as much campy fun as the one before, but that's okay. I am totally hooked. I hated TJ Hooker back in the day, but now it's just damn funny, all ludicrous campy goodness. :) Thanks for indulging my attempt at TVWP-ness. :)

I'm actually waiting for the guy to show up and put in my phone and fix the cable. Then I'm going to Carrefour to pick up a dish strainer and storage box and return the sundress I got that's about a mile too big.

Peace out,
Katie

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