Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Monday, Jan. 05, 2004 - 10:08 p.m.

How 'bout a nice pleasant entry, folks? No political rhetoric, no bile spewing on the level of Old Faithful (though I think in the case of strangers slapping their sloppy wet lips on me, it's totally understandable and 100% reasonable), just a little hello to all you readers out there. :)

Plus, Jonny C showed me this fabulous little link called the Gender Genie, which will guess what sex the writer is of a particular set of words, using keywords and syntax. I think it's a buncha hooey, though, because using the same blog entry, I tested it out in all three modes, blog, fiction, and non-fiction, and the only one it got right was as a blog entry. If I chose one of the other two modes, it thought I was male, overwhelmingly. I think by very nature, most blogs are going to come out as female, because it uses as its barometer that men write about objects and women write about relationships, thus men use words like the, a and an, and women use words like him, her, me, us. Pretty stupid, that logic, but my point is that most blogs are about the writer's relationships, so most blog entries are going to come across as female, whether they are or not, I would think. I tested CuppaJoe's just to see, because I'm one of his creeeepy internet stalkers and figured if ever there's a girly-mon diarist out there, it's Joey**, and of the last three entries he's made, the most recent was male, the penultimate was female, and the one before that (the second penultimate?) was male... Jonny C's entries were half and half. So go figure. I tested 3 of mine, and in blog mode, one was overwhelmingly male, too. The others were female, but one of them was just barely, and the third was not overwhelmingly so.

**Note: I am just kidding. I do not think Joey is a girly-mon. Please do not send me hate mail because I said he was. Jeez, you CuppaJoe readers are so touchy. I love CuppaJoe. Sheesh. ;)

So, speaking of Jonny C, I hope that when he stopped by my desk today to say 'bye and saw me playing a videogame while a taped interview I was ostensibly logging was playing that he didn't geek a little. That guy talks in circles. Trust me, you could walk all the way down to the vending machines at the other end of the building and stop to look at the animation boards on the way back, and when you got back to your desk, he would still be talking in the vaguest of circles and not answering the question. So I *was* logging the interview, I was just multi-tasking and giving myself something to do so I didn't leap thru the screen and wrap my bare hands around that idiot's windpipe. Jeez, dude, it's okay to answer a simple yes or no question with actual yes or no, rather than a 3.5 minute discourse on something else completely not the question. Cripes.

By the way, folks, let's just touch on the subject of reality tv, shall we? Now, I'm pretty sure that those of you who read this little diary of mine will pretty much NEVER find yourselves doing a reality tv show. Those of you I have had contact with are a little too smart for that particular gig. However, should you, by some strange and fanciful stroke of bizarre luck initiated by The Almighty Himself, end up auditioning for or being "cast" in one, let me impart some things you really, really need to know.

1. The production team (ie. producers) is (are) NOT your friends.
So trust me on this, they are not. They will manipulate the holy hell out of you to get what *they* need. They do not care that they may romp all over you, your dignity, your feelings, or anything else, in the process. Which brings us to Rule #2.

2. The producers do NOT have your best interest at heart.
They are out to get a show, folks. Nothing matters but that show and the bitchinest footage they can get, be it you crying, you having a meltdown, you punching something and getting thrown in jail, you falling facefirst into a fire and having to be airlifted out, etc. Do I make myself clear, because above all else, you need to remember this one. It should probably be Rule #1.

3. Try not to chew gum on camera.
It really does not look good. If you must chew it, CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. Similarly, do not shovel food in your mouth when you eat, and again, chew with your mouth closed. Mom taught you that for a friggin' reason, people.

4. The person or persons you may have been paired with have NOT been hand-picked especially for you, to suit your wants, needs, or desires.
They are not a perfect match. Do not assume they have been or are. Sometimes, in fact, they are the exact polar opposite. Why? Because that is way more interesting.

5. You were cast because you are easily manipulated and can be made to do what they need to get "good" television.
Yes, you were. It's not because you're particularly smart, funny, good-looking, or talented. The fact that you may be good-looking figured in, but there were at least 100 other people better-looking than you who auditioned. They were also smarter. Trust me; I've seen the tapes.

6. Do not believe everything you're told. In fact, don't trust half of it.

7. If you decide to do something private, don't assume that because there are no cameras present that the thing you need privacy for will actually happen in private.
First, unplug your frigging microphone. Second, take a good careful look around. Close all windows. Close all doors. ALL of them. And check every place you can think of for hidden surveillance cameras, because they are there, my friend. They are there.

8. For the love of GOD, people, please try to limit your uhs, ums, likes, and you knows.
Try actually thinking about what you're going to say before you open your mouth and start making noise. Please. Your logger will love you, and your logger is the only pal you've got. Plus, you won't sound like such an *idiot* when the show finally airs.

And last, but certainly not least,

9. Do not EVER tell production anything you'd like to remain secret.
Likewise, don't *do* anything you don't want 2 million viewers to see. If you need to know why, refer back to Rules #1 and 2. Once you sign that release, anything and everything you say is fair game. You have the right to remain silent, folks. Use it.

This has been a public service announcement by your friendly neighborhood reality tv staffer.

Peace out,
Katie

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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008