Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Sunday, Oct. 01, 2006 - 6:05 p.m.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. I think my stomach virus has finally gone. Hopefully so has the rain.

I've hit another rough patch, but I think that's mostly because I wasn't active enough this week. Still, Paris is a hard city to be alone in. It's unbelievably romantic here, and now that fall has arrived and school is back in session, the college kids are back, and everyone on the streets is in love and holding hands or walking with arms around each other or gettin' kissy on the Metro, and it's a little tough to be here alone. It's been making me think about my gramma too, because my grampa was a farmer and a homebody while my gramma was a world traveller. So a lot of the trips Gramma took, she took by herself. I asked her once if that bothered her, and she said yes, she would have really liked my grampa to go with her, but she liked going places, so while she understood it wasn't his thing, if she wanted to go, she went, and she was happy for the trips he did go on with her. I thought at the time that would be lonely always travelling alone, and I was right.

Paris is awesome and I love it, but I don't want to spend all my life going on trips alone. I'm not a loner. I need to be with someone, to have that companionship and intimacy. I've spent most of my life alone, and frankly, I'm sick of it. It's not that I can't be alone; I'd say spending 4 frigging months with no one but Pete for company shows I can spend time alone. But it's fricking lonely never having anyone to share life with, and I'm over it. When I first met the housemate, I thought I was lucky as all hell, because he liked to travel too, and we always did fun stuff and went places, even if it was just for a day every other month or something. We went to Vegas, we drove to Santa Barbara, we went over to Catalina on a whim, etc. Then he bought that fucking house, and we never went anywhere ever again. He doesn't even go to parties with me or to plays. I literally go every single place I go by myself, and have since 1991, barring the year and 2 months I spent actually dating the housemate, basically the year 2000. Fourteen years of alone time is more than enough, thank you. Maybe coming to France will make it easier to move out, afterall. If nothing else, it has brought home to me how lonely and unfulfilled I am in my life and my "relationship," such as it had become, which was that of two people who just lived in the same house, even before the formal "this isn't working for me" thing happened. I'd have been lonely back home, too. I just am able to look at it more clearly here.

Thing is - and I'm sure this is a major portion of why I find it difficult to move out of the house - I really don't believe I will ever not be alone. I've spent so much of my life being inconsequential that I just don't believe I will ever be of value to anyone in a relationship. And those of you my friends, please save the emails and notes about how I'm loved by you, blah blah blah. Not to be rude or harsh, and your friendship does mean something, but it's not the same, and you know it. We all need to be cherished by someone in such a way that he or she would lose bearing if we were taken from them. I have never had that, not even by my abusive parents, and I need it. I have spent my entire life looking for it. I thought I found it once. I was wrong. And letting go of that dream is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I appreciate those of you who are understanding of that and don't ride my ass about moving out of my house or make judgements because I haven't yet. You know who you are.

And now let's talk about music, because it's harmless and won't make me want to cry. I spent the last 3 days watching copious amounts of music videos, because english-language stuff is only on for a few hours a night, so when you spend your entire day at home with a stomach virus, you watch a lot of tv, and that means a lot of music television here. That, and some surfing. Sometimes surfing out mp3's of the stuff I see on tv. Especially the stuff I've seen a lot of all summer. You know, for that CD. Music really brings memories back, and mostly the good ones. So I definitely want to put a cd together of music that will make me remember all the great times I've had here. Maybe keep some of the strength and liberation I've found here, even though it might not sound like I have, because I keep that to myself, what with the reasons being highly sensitive and private. Em knows about it, because every once in a while I write her a long email about it. But I will say I think I might be getting better at saying no, because you guys know I have issues with that. So I need a CD to help me remember what it feels like to say no. to that end, the Katie Doyle "Summer in the City of Lights" cd will contain the following songs (thus far):

Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober
Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back
Nadiya - Comma Rock
Nelly Furtado - Maneater
The Pussycat Dolls - Beep
Christina Aguilera - Ain't No Other Man
Fergie - London Bridge
Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind
Clarika - Ne Me Demander Pas (Don't Ask Me)
Miguel Angel Munoz - Loco
Pink - Who Knew
Shakira - Hips Don't Lie
Paolo Nutini - Last Request
Daniel Powter - Bad Day

I reserve the right to drop such horrors as Beep and Sexy Back from the list in favor of others I actually like, should I need the room. I would really like to find mp3's of Gerald Genty's "Plaire" and Sorel's "Je Veux du Reve," for instance, and another song by Clarika I don't know the name of and don't see the video for anymore (but did the first 2 months here), as well as another video by a girl I see all the time but don't know the name of because at first I didn't like it at all, but now I've heard it 50 times in the last 3 days actually do. My resistance to it has been beaten down. Which it kinda has to Sexy Back, as well. Not that I like "JT" or ever will. I'm just saying that particular song - while being utterly, utterly mock-worthy - does not necessarily suck. The only reason Beep is on the list is because it has been inescapable here. I actually really, really hate it. But I really hated the Chihuahua song the last time I was here too, and now that I would love to be able to torture others with it, I don't have it and can't get it. Hence, I have learned the value of sticking songs like that somewhere you can get to them in perpetuity, for whatever reason. :)

BTW, to give you an idea of how many times a day I hear any song that's in heavy rotation here, yesterday in 3 hours of video viewing, Sexy Back came on 12 times. That's extreme. When I tell you I hear something all the time here, believe me. I hear it all the time. In just 4 days, I have almost memorized the lyrics to London Bridge.

Oh DUDE! This is my favorite video! It's insane. 4 guys with 2 banks of treadmills, 4 treadmills to a bank. It's insane. They do all this hopping around, walking in place, lying/sitting down, and "ice skating" using the treadmills. It's seriously about the most creative video I've ever seen. The group is called OK Go, and the song is "Here It Goes Again". Very cool and creative; if you can find it on YouTube, I recommend.

I should probably try to get to bed now.

Peace out,
Katie

ps. holy crap, oliver goodwill is hot. at least as a wolf guy. whew.

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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008