Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Saturday, May. 28, 2005 - 4:26 p.m.

So, this morning at 7, 10 minutes after TB has left the house to go dirt biking in the desert all day, a movement out of the corner of my eye catches my attention, and I look over to see a freakin' lizard perched up on top of my Hello Kitty slipper on the dresser, looking over at me, all Lion King-y, Mufasa atop his rock throne, majestically surveying the valley. This is not good. This is, in fact, very bad and extremely creepy. If I can not sleep in a room when I know there is a largish bug in it somewhere, I certainly can not sleep in a room with a lizard all kinglikely surveying the room like it's his territory and all who live in it must bow down to his superior intellect or die horribly.

No, my friends, I can not.

Unfortunately, there is no one but me to catch it, because in true "I only sleep here" fashion, the cat would not answer my pathetic and increasingly desperate calls for her. And anyway, I have my doubts setting the cat upon it would be a good idea, unless I *wanted* it to end up in my bed, which I did most emphatically NOT, so it's probably better the cat is a snot and decided to ignore me. However, that then left ME to have to trap and dispose of the thing, and I don't know if I have mentioned or not, but I am deathly afraid of reptiles. Like, when it suddenly decided to move in my direction, I screeched "NOOOO!" at the top of my lungs and flung myself back against the headboard as far as possible, and then shrieked "do NOT come any closer; you just stay there," like all lizards speak human or come with their own tiny little universal translators.

(Yeah; like that whole speaking human thing could happen.)

So anyway, after having a prolonged discussion with the lizard about how he should just stay right there and not move, I edged off of the bed and out into the hallway, where more negotiation took place regarding everyone behaving appropriately and respectfully of each other, and then I dashed out into the garage and got the very large vase I use for trapping lizards. And there's a sentence I really never thought to utter in my entire lifetime.

I got back with the vase and crawled across the bed (because I thought if I just walked past the foot of it, the lizard might just decide to do something rash like spring onto my bed or something), and sort of waved the vase at him, to which he kindly did not respond. This emboldened me, so summoning all my nerve - which was pretty hard, because frankly my nerve was all "are you crazy? that's a frigging LIZARD; call me when it's done" - I eased closer to the lizard and then plunged the vase over it and the Hello Kitty slipper (which is a slide slipper with a big HK head on it). Happily, the lizard was very obliging about this and didn�t really move much, which is good, because even with glass between me and the lizard, I still don�t cope well. But that was the hard part (and there was actually more to it, but I will give you the condensed version in the interest of, well, interest), and once that was done, all I had to do was steel my nerves to slide vase, slipper, and lizard close enough to me to pick up, make a non-aggression pact with the lizard wherein if he did not make any sudden or large movements, I would not shriek in terror and fling him and his new little habitat against something hard and breaky (which was actually a bluff on my part, because what I probably would have done would be shriek and jerk my hands apart, which would have set him free�after he bounced down my leg and onto the floor, of course), and then carry him out thru the garage and set him free on the driveway.

And that�s where things got dicey, because a doorknob is pretty hard to turn when one has both hands full with a Hello Kitty slipper, lizard, and large glass vase. Plus, the lizard chose this time to start moving around, which had a Shudder Factor of about 8, so I was less than thrilled. But I managed to turn the knob with my pinky and ring finger and then toss the lizard � well, okay, fling the lizard none too gently onto the drive. (Although, I did kneel down first.)

But I would like to say, I felt a little guilty about that, because he had been a very nice, cooperative lizard, and I set him free with such force that he tumbled across the asphalt about a foot and a half and came to a stop bellyup, wherein he had to right himself and shake his head in a rather confused fashion while getting his bearings. He did, too; I'm not exaggerating. I�m sure he was all, "damn, lady, I was nice and calm throughout that whole deal; why�d you have to be such a spaz and roll my ass on gravel and shit?"

Like I said, I feel bad. But you know, I was a little tense. So I�m sorry, Mr. Lizard, wherever you are. And I hope you feel better soon.

Peace out,
Katie

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