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Friday, Feb. 23, 2007 - 10:34 p.m.

Since I know you're curious, I did indeed jinx myself with the sniveling, cowardly dumbass who is my coworker. Beginning in earnest on Wednesday, he began making up for the time he lost being an asshole on Monday and Tuesday. He has begun making comments to other people that are crappy things he's too much of a coward to say to my face, so instead, he makes them very indirectly while making sure that I hear them. Things like how I should be wearing a tinfoil hat and that he doesn't want to go to lunch with anyone else on accounta they might invite me along, and he doesn't want his lunch ruined because he doesn't like me and how he knows it and I know it. So I guess I am supposed to cow in the corner on accounta the mighty asshat not liking me. Oh woe is me, life must end.

Dumbass.

The only reason any of this bothers me is because it's constant fucking hostility. I can handle people not liking me. Believe me, I'm used to it. When you aren't the kind of person who takes bullshit quietly, you tend to irritate a lot of people. I don't like it, but it is pretty much my pre-ordained lot in life. I seriously excel at it, and more than a few people I have known have laughed as they remarked on my "innate ability to piss people off." So I'm used to people hating me. But in polite work environments, when you hate someone, you keep it to yourself or bitch about it to your friends on your breaks. You stay civil. This is the first time - including the horror that was Suzanne Stevens - that I have ever had to deal with this level of overtly childish and hostile bullshit. And the thing that irritates me most is that he's too much of a coward to say these things directly to me. He says them as a "joke" to someone else, or describes me instead of naming me, so that I can't call him on it without being the one who made a big deal out of nothing. At least Suzanne was totally upfront and honest. This guy is too cowardly to be upfront. And believe me, I could mop the floor with him if we got into it. I guarantee you I can hurt him way the fuck more than he can hurt me, because he is utterly lacking in any kind of intelligent jab. All he's got is the sort of uninmaginative pap second graders hurl at each other on the playground, the type of slow-witted ignorance 10-year-old bullies use that allows them to tell themselves how smart they are but is a uselessly poor substitute for actual intelligent stabs, and they know it. He knows how uninspired and stupid he is. He knows I'm smarter than he is. He knows, and it scares him. The bullshit he wallows in and flings at me every day has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own inadequacies, and he knows it. I'm sure he shrinks from it a dozen times a day. I just wish he'd keep it to himself. Because it's easy to tell this about him. It's easy to understand what a fear-based loser he is. But it's less easy to ignore it when it's in your face and focussed on you every single day. I work very hard at tuning him out every time he opens his mouth, but he's like an obnoxious child following me around and poking me with a sharp stick. I know the thing to do is ignore him, but that's really hard to do in the face of such relentlessly hostile and aggressive crap. And I realize it doesn't sound like much, but you spend 8 hours a frigging day sitting in a space roughly 4x8 feet with 3 other people and your rolling chairs, and never, ever be able to take part in a single conversation. Or having the conversations you do engage in cut short because you have been interrupted as if you weren't even speaking, and the person doing the interrupting literally makes it uncomfortable for everyone if you try to continue taking part. I spend every day pointedly snubbed and isolated, and it is filling me with a hatred so intense, it's beginning to eat away at me because I am unable to do anything about it. What I really want to do is confront the fucker and tell him exactly what I think of his niggling cowardice and stupidity. But I can't do that without looking like a freak in front of everyone else. So every single day, I sit there and act like I don't hear it when he talks shit about me right in front of me and that I don't care that he has literally just turned his back on me rather than answer a question or take part in a conversation that contains me or like his interrupting my work-related conversation with my story editor so he can talk about sports doesn't phase me in the slightest. And I can't TELL you how sorry I am that I apologized for the Harry Potter thing just because he seemed to be nice to me Monday. God, what a stupid fucking SAP I am. I fucking HATE HATE HATE when I am nice to people who not only don't deserve it but turn around and slap me for it. I despise it about myself, frankly. And now I've upset myself all over again and have to go. Maybe his car will get totalled this weekend and he'll have to spend the next month in a full body cast and traction, with his jaw wired shut. A girl can dream.

Katie

copyright 2002 - 2005 Katie Doyle; all rights reserved
Don't even think it, punk.






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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008

 

 

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