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Wednesday, Nov. 01, 2006 - 2:34 p.m.

Welcome back, peeps. Katiedoyle had a little Diaryland hiccup and was not showing up for a while there, but I dropped Andrew a note, and he rectified things. I assume comments will be back soon, as well.

I have also had a long talk with The Boyfriend, this evening, and while it was painful, it was also very good, in that things were said that probably should have been said a long time ago, though I really don't think it was possible to say them until now.

Relationships are difficult things, my friends. Especially if you come from a severe relationship deficit. I have no real idea of what a healthy relationship is, other than by looking at the few friends I have who are happy in theirs, and I have no idea how normal those relationships are. I'm guessing long-lasting happy ones are rare, judging from the rarity with which I encounter them, but I refuse to believe they're impossible, as clearly since I know people who have them, they are not. Impossible, I mean. But I digress. The point is, relationships are damned hard. And I know that, because romantic idealist as I might be, I'm also a pragmatic realist, and only an idiot gets involved in anything worthwhile and expects it to be easy or nothing but smooth sailing. Not being an idiot (at least most of the time), I know you have to work at a relationship if you want it to last. But sometimes other stuff gets in the way, and you get caught up in focussing on the stuff you don't like and what you're missing, and not just with the relationship, but also yourself, your job, your whole life, and sometimes you let that cloud your relationship and how you relate to the person you've chosen to live your life with. And sometimes you don't talk about things that you really ought to talk about, because you aren't strong enough to, or you think the other person isn't, or maybe one (or both) of you isn't (or aren't) listening, so talking doesn't do a damn bit of good anyway, and one day you wake up, and both of you are miserable, and misery begats misery, and before you know it, you have been sucked into a maelstrom of misery there's not much hope of getting out of still intact. In fact, there's really no hope at all. Both of you just blunder through your days piling hurt on top of hurt but refusing to bail because somehow you still love that other person and are afraid of ripping the bandaid off, despite all the hurling of stones and painful words that are a slow tug on the damned thing anyway. Such was the nature of my relationship.

So I did what any self-respecting girl would do when offered the opportunity. I packed up my stuff and I headed to Paris. Because when the going gets tough, the tough obviously go to France.

And actually, that turned out to be a pretty smart thing to do. And it's been tough itself, because while Paris is a rocking cool place to lick your wounds and take a little me-time, it's also a hard place to be alone. Even setting aside the language barrier, I'm not a loner, so it was hard being alone all the time, and I've been lonely a lot. I consoled myself with the fact that being lonely in Paris is way more bitchin' than being lonely in LA (and I've been hideously lonely in both, so I'm in a position to say), but it was still pretty freaking lonely. And I've never gone so long without speaking before in my life. I had to fight the urge to speak to people sitting on benches, the Metro, and the line at the grocery store, and I have to say that if I'd been in an english-speaking country, I probably wouldn't have been so successful, because as it is, I told plenty of people I liked their shoes or necklace or earrings or coat or that their dog was cute. I'm really just not good at isolation. And there are times, when nothing is on tv and you have nothing to read and you didn't go out into the city to do stuff, that you are still enough for the pressures and worries of your life to press upon you, even in a city like Paris. Because much as I love Paris, it isn't where my life is (at least not permanently at the moment), and there are plenty of concerns and decisions to be made that have to be made, and 3 months or 6 months or a year, they're still going to be in LA demanding my attention when I get back. It's nice to ignore them for a while, but as your stay progresses, sooner or later you realize you have some tough stuff you have to face up to and that all the stuff you fled is still there waiting, and that now you only have 5 weeks left...or 3...and you better stop evading and start doing some critical thinking, tout de suite. But being here also gave me time to be myself. Away from the critiques and opinions of others, away from tv people who want to be schmoozed, and relationships you have to be considerate of, and that annoying little voice that sits on your shoulder and tells you what an idiot you are and how nobody likes you. I told people no, and I didn't care. I pleased myself and to hell with others. I got back at least a degree of living in the moment and being now, not next year or last week or when I was five. I got to not loathe myself (at least quite so much) for feeling socially inept and for not fitting in. I found a little of myself again. Some of that part I've managed to lose over the last 8-10 years or more. Some of the part of me I like. The strong part. The part that has power and doesn't give a damn what other people think and is motivated to get things done. Things I want to do, rather than just things I have to.

I would not have had this opportunity were it not for The Boyfriend. And today we finally had a looooooong overdue discussion regarding hurt feelings and true feelings and the nature of our relationship and our lives. I won't go into what triggered the discussion and made it necessary, but two long transatlantic phone calls were carried out regarding it, so that should tell you the catalyst was a big deal. Both of us have said hurtful things. Both of us have been thoughtless. Both of us have operated under misconceptions that were damaging. Both of us still managed to remember the things we liked about the other and clung to things we loved. So we have decided to make a fresh start and try again to be good to each other. And I wish to state that while a lot of things in our relationship had deteriorated, I can not hold him responsible for the negative things that I contributed and carried, and he has always been supportive of my efforts and wanted me to be happy. We were both living unfulfilled lives we had more or less given up on, and that really just doesn't work for a relationship. Frankly, I'm amazed we stayed together as long as we did. I couldn't tell you why, other than perhaps both of us are inured to a certain amount of familial misery. But I know I have never stuck out any other relationship through that much malaise. And I don't plan to ever again.

Suffice to say I have never - despite what I may have implied here - felt The Boyfriend was a bad person. I wish to go on record to that. We have had problems, for sure. Tempers have flared and been lost, hateful things have been said, tears have been shed, and once or twice, couches in other places were utilized. But I never wished him ill, and I never wanted anything other than for both of us to be happy. Preferably with each other, but I wasn't holding my breath any longer. He had said he was no longer in love with me, and I left for Paris believing I would return to LA and find an apartment and a job and move out. It hurt like hell to think about, but it had to be done with the conditions under which I left. And I suppose one day they still might. As I said, I'm a realist. But The Boyfriend wants to start over. He realizes he loves me. I still love him and am happy for the chance to try again. Perhaps we have learned something. Perhaps we will be better together. Maybe we really have to spend some serious time apart every other year or so to be able to live together. I am not so naive as to think that just because we want to try again means it will be any easier than it was, or that sunshine and roses will suddenly rain from the sky. But it was everything I hoped for once, and if we have learned something that we can bring into our relationship that causes us to be more aware of how we deal with each other and to treat each other equally, with respect and love, then I am happy to make the effort and give it everything I've got. Then if it fails, I know the effort was made, and I will douse the room with kerosene and strike the match myself. But frankly, I'd really rather it work out.

Peace out,
Katie

copyright 2002 - 2005 Katie Doyle; all rights reserved
Don't even think it, punk.






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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008

 

 

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