Katie Doyle, Girl About Town

Tuesday, Aug. 23, 2005 - 12:04 a.m.

Feeling really overwhelmed. Want to go back to school so I can finish my degree, and the school I need to attend is all the way in San Luis Obispo, which is 90 minutes up the 101 in little or no traffic. So I really need to find a job in Ventura or Camarillo, which means I will also need to move to Ventura or Camarillo. Neither of which are anywhere near the few friends I have. Well, except for Wendy, who lives in Moorpark. I'd be about the same distance from her than I am now. So she can badger me pretty much the same as she does now, only actually more, because I'll probably see more of her. Sweeeet.

Gotta finish my degree. Have to become an actual adult, with adult jobs that pay actual money that will not only cover rent and bills, but buy healthy food and provide the occassional trip to the video store. And it feels like it will never happen.

My therapist informed me the last time I saw her that I am right on track, for being the child of a parent with borderline personality disorder. Apparently, most people who grow up in a house with a parent who engaged in violent and sudden mood swings grow up to make very fear-based decisions which hold them back from accomplishing much or holding jobs that pay well. Always good to know I fit the mold.

All my beliefs about how I had managed to evolve and grow beyond what my parents forced onto me, and it turns out I haven't made anywhere near the headway I thought. I'm having a tough time in therapy right now. I guess this is a breakthrough period, or whatever the hell you want to call it, and that's supposed to be good for you in terms of personal growth and self-actualization, yada yada yada, but I have to say. Unequivocally?

This fucking sucks.

I was much happier not knowing exactly how deep down the well goes and that I'm really just fucking treading water with a long way to go, yet.

You can imagine how happy I am to discover all this stuff while living smackdab in the middle of the worst period in American politics, in a building of WTC proportions, built on and deeply anchored in the foundation of greed so proudly and firmly laid by every money-grubbing me-me-me asshole yuppy of the 80s. Ugly times are coming, and it's not gonna get better for a very long time, if it does at all. Frankly, I have my doubts. It's tough enough to exist in an environment so absolutely diametrically opposed to every single thing I believe in, but to be struggling to keep my head above water and find some way to get my feet underneath me so that I can live a life instead of merely surviving it in this time and place is damn near unbearable. I'm being crushed, and there's no escape. I know it, I can see it, but I'm trying hard to deny it, or there's no way to keep breathing.

Whoa. Mixed metaphors. Call me rebel.

Peace out,
Katie

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In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
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