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Wednesday, Jul. 05, 2006 - 3:12 a.m.

Happy 4th. I hope you had a good day.

I spent mine sleeping in until about 3, because I went to bed around 8:30 in the morning...my weekend sleep schedule got blown to hell. My mom stressed me out in ways I can't even say, but when we actually finally got together on Sunday, it was very pleasant. The lead up to that, however, had me just about ready to explode from stress. Like, seriously having chest pains and nausea. (Ever since I caught my first longterm relationship in bed with someone - like, literally walked into the room while they were both naked in bed, talk about your walking clichees - I get really sick to my stomach in times of great stress. Like the kind of stress you face when you walk in to find your boyfriend of several years doing the biggest slut you and all of your mutual friends know. Or the stress you face when someone close to you is suddenly killed, or when you get robbed at gunpoint. That kind of stress. I spent all of Friday night and a great deal of Saturday dealing with that kind of stress, thanks to my mother's inability to follow directions or adhere to simple requests.)

I have very firmly come to the conclusion that I really do function best when I have minimal - and by minimal, I mean next to none - contact with my parents. I love my mother, and I really wanted to cry when I was saying goodbye to her on Sunday, but it's the kind of wanting to cry when you love a person and you very much wish things were different, wish that you had the kind of relationship where goodbye didn't mean "see you in another 3 years or so," and that it weren't so hard being around the person you're saying goodbye to, because you do love them, but being around them is just too painful to do on a regular basis.

It makes me hideously sad, those goodbyes, and I realized today that that's why I don't like to see or talk to either of my parents. It's not so much the dysfunction in our relationships (though in my father's case, that's also a GIGANTIC part of it), it's that saying goodbye casts the dysfunction into painfully vivid light and makes me long even more for the kind of relationships I think "normal" people have with their parents. The kind I think families must have where no one knocked the livin' shit out of anyone else on a daily basis or spent mass amounts of time shredding the ids and egos of everyone else in the family. You know: loving, supportive relationships.

When I don't see my family, I can fool myself into thinking childhood wasn't so awful. I can lie and feel accomplished and healed and normal, like I have been thru some trying ordeal, beaten it back Buffy-style, and emerged with colors flying, triumphal and whole, that the things that happened are finished and over and don't affect the life I have now. When I do have to talk to my parents, the lie is destroyed, and I feel ugly and self-betrayed, like I was once this girl who would grow up to be anything, but now I am what I am, instead. I failed that little girl. I don't know what happened to her, but I somehow lost touch with her. And I loved her so much. She was fearless and strong. She yanked people out of trees and fought injustice and stood up to bullies, and she had this whole wonderful, full life in front of her. She was going to grow up and be an actress, and she would have had healthy relationships and married someone just as strong and wonderful. She was unstoppable, that girl. I wonder where she's gone. We are two people, now, she and I. I hope somewhere else, in some alternate universe where life did not suddenly fall apart one day, she's happy. I hope she's living the life she thought she would.

But I digress. I spent my night at a multi-host party in Jonny-C's building, watching the neighborhood fireworks and stuffing myself to the gills on yummy food. I also petted a chinchilla, and no, that's not a euphemism for anything. I mean I petted an actual, furry chinchilla, and let me tell you something; there's a reason they make those things into fur coats. They are the softest things I've ever touched in my entire life. Really. Impossibly freaking soft. It was astounding. And before you go leapin' all over me, no, I am not advocating the making of small furry things into coats. I'm just saying I understand why they do. I am wholeheartedly against the killing of things for the sake of vanity. Let us just be clear on that, and please don't send me hate mail because you think I support the wearing of fur or killing of hapless chinchillas. I don't. No matter how soft they are.

I have a new Katie Doyle template, but I'm not putting it up until I leave for France. It's totally cute, though. And very cheery. :)

I have the next 2 days off, thanks to the work schedule gettin' totally screwed yet again, so I am doing my taxes and going over to Em's for dinner on Thursday. Yummy sghetti. :) I really wanted to go see Pirates with she and her hubby on Friday, but thanks to work now, I guess I don't get to do that. Which sucks, but I guess that's life.

I called Sprint to put my cell service on hold, but they no longer allow that. If I switch my phone to vacation mode ($6/month), which they do allow, I have to sign a 2 year commitment when I come back. As I despise Sprint PCS with every single fiber of my being, and have resisted signing a contract with them for all 6.5 years I've had my phone (which means I can never make any changes to my plan or get a new phone), there is NO WAY IN HELL I am signing a 2 year commitment with them. My only other option is that they will suspend my service for me, but I have to pay my usual monthly fees. I was all, lemme get this straight: you will cut off my phone service so that no one can use my phone and I can't receive calls or get any voice mail messages, but you will still charge me full monthly service charges for everything?

The answer was, and I kid you not, "That's why they're called monthly charges, ma'am."

I am not kidding, if I could have gotten into the wire, I would have throttled that fucking kid to within an inch of his life and then slapped him like a girl. So I will be changing my cell phone provider before I leave.

I got nothin' else.

Peace out,
Katie

ps. did i mention the dentist? i have an appointment at 1:30 tomorrow (the 5th, so technically today) to get my teeth cleaned and x-rayed, and even that fills me with complete and utter dread. oy.

copyright 2002 - 2005 Katie Doyle; all rights reserved
Don't even think it, punk.






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Yesterday's News - Next Stop

In which Katie shares sad news - Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2015
In which Katie returns after a very long absence - Monday, Jun. 25, 2012
In which Katie pokes her head in and brushes some of the cobwebs away - Thursday, May. 06, 2010
In which Katie asks you to write your congressman again. - Monday, Jun. 02, 2008
In which Katie asks you to please click the link and send the message to protect the rights of artists - Wednesday, May. 21, 2008

 

 

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